I need you..

Monday, November 27, 2006

*.* HOME SWEET HOME! (: *.*

me on the second day of camp.. with jac and ci hui(:

me on the last day of camp.. that's how red i am.. compared to the two of them.. and i'm unevenly tanned!!!!!!!!!!!!! ):):):):

hahaha HELLO! i'm home!(: missed me din u??!! hahaha.. (: aniwae.. I'M SUNBURNT for the first time of my life! haha.. and it's so painful): on my face some more.. i'm gonna look so ugly at prom.. tsk): haha

well camp was alright.. despite knowing that i have to take up the camp commandant postion.. despite everything being so last minute.. yeah.. things went ok.. but faced alot of disappointments): sigh.. my contingent.. did quite well at the beginning.. but.. deproved quite alot later.. mayb they're too tired out ba.. dunno.. but it was quite bad.. cos.. watever i taught them.. they onli remembered for that moment.. and forgot everything after that.. sigh.. i was so irritated with them.. and i tink.. mayb we were all too tired.. creative drill was realli bad.. and after the first creative drill session.. i was tinking about it while waiting for dinner to start and i actualli cried.. not many pple saw i tink.. yar.. well

humms.. the four days.. not easy to pass ba.. a test control of my emotion.. test of my strength.. endurance.. creativity.. flexibility.. wah.. i dunno wat else.. i'm drained le.. but well.. it's over.. so i'm gonna have a realli good rest now.. so tired! ): haha.. shall blog more tomolo ba.. goodnights!

I needed Jesus @ | 9:03:00 PM

Friday, November 24, 2006

*.* bye bye! ): *.*

sigh.. gotta be present for a camp in like 5 hours time.. and here i am.. still online.. darn.. ): sigh.. i am not very much willing to go actualli.. firstly.. i'm like the onli one from my batch returning.. sigh.. and well.. i have a whole load of responsibilities to handle.. sigh.. can onli do wat i can le la.. darn..

well well.. and i just realised! i end camp at 6pm on monday evening.. darn.. tink abit rushed for the movie.. dunno la.. see how.. i'll try my best to rush down ba.. sian.. hmmm.. aniwae.. tink i go sleep le la.. tired le.. i come back then blog ba.. goodnight

I needed Jesus @ | 1:56:00 AM

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

*.* one last one.. all the way! *.*

well well.. one last paper to go.. bio mcq and i'm FREEEEEE!!! yeah.. aniwae.. today.. i went to study with wanteng and ellie at ang mo kio library.. not bad a place.. (: yeap.. our last time mugging together(: haha.. yeah.. then i went down to geck's place.. went for dinner at coffeeshop.. haha.. had hor fun.. haha.. not many stalls were open.. haha..

yeap.. and then we went to her place..watched super star.. haha.. then went to her room to rot.. played keyboard.. AND we played the seaweed game! (hai3 dai4) hahaha.. right.. super funny.. we ended laughing like nobody's business.. haha.. (: yeas.. details i'll put in tomolo.. quite stressed up about paper tomolo.. sigh.. ): God bless me ba.. gtg now.. byee

I needed Jesus @ | 11:55:00 PM

*.* fragile life *.*

hmm.. today.. had a little talk with ellie at the end of the day.. and we realised how fragile life is.. firstly.. life.. created by God.. it just comes as planned.. we can't have a say of whether this sperm shall meet with this egg and the zygote shall develop and form the embryo and to be implanted.. (all my bio knowledge!) wahaha(: but aniwae.. wat i'm trying to say is.. life can so easily be created.. at the same time.. life can so easily be gone.. how fragile.. (pardon my language.. i'm lousy at it)

yeah.. around us.. babies come to the world.. people around us can leave to.. as i grow up.. i'm faced with more pple leaving the world.. close to me or not.. it often makes me wonder.. wat happens one day.. if someone realli close to me leaves me behind? will i be sad? will i b able to take it? and even before they leave me.. would i have brought them to the Lord? or would they die without knowing this wonderful God? and.. wat will happen if i leave the world? will i be remembered? will anione be sad? will i end up in heaven with God or in hell? hmm.. so many questions run through my mind.. death.. well it's not that scary.. it's just.. i dunno..

just in case u're wondering why i'm tinking so much about life and death.. a relative of my fren just passed away.. and not long ago.. i heard about deaths too.. yeah.. so.. yar.. death.. does it scare u? well.. it used to scare me when i was younger.. but now.. actualli.. i'm kinda like looking forward to die.. haaha.. so sad ah.. haha.. but well.. sometimes i'm just so tired of wats around me.. i just feel like leaving this world.. sian.. coward huh? hai.. but yea.. i realli cannot stand some things that are happening la.. but well.. there's a reason why these happens in my life huh..

i'll grow stronger from it wun i? well.. i hope.. i just hope all these doesn't crush me.. yea.. and.. when i die.. i just hope that.. all my frens will be there.. all those whom i've crossed paths.. but i dun expect every single one to be there.. i just hope to "see" as many people as possible ba.. yeah so close frens of mine! get as many pple as possible! lols.. sound like some fun thing like that.. lols.. yea.. and.. i dunno.. i wan my closest fren.. to.. write wat they realli feel about the friendship that we shared.. the good and the bad.. like a letter to me.. and.. i wan it.. i dunno if i'll be able to read iy.. but ya.. haha.. and.. probably.. have it posted on my blog? haha i'll write my last words in my diary.. gor gor.. u will type it into my blog for me as well (: haha

aiyo i sound like i'm gonna die tomolo.. haha.. NO! i'm still super alive and kicking ok! haha.. one more paper to go! and i'm totally free! (: haha.. yeah i'll hang in there! (: results.. forget it huh! next year then worry.. haha.. yeah.. aniwae.. yeap.. aniwae.. i realli miss the times.. when i had so much fun as a kid.. actualli come to tink.. i din realli have alot of fun.. my childhood.. no.. it wasn't fun.. i had nightmares too.. blood.. fights.. quarrels.. things i see now.. i've seen before.. i just realised.. how sad a childhood..

alright.. time to stop scaring pple with my thoughts.. tink i'll end here.. should b back soon..

I needed Jesus @ | 1:43:00 AM

Sunday, November 19, 2006

*.* tired.. scared.. listless.. hopeless *.*

darn.. wat a day.. sigh.. i'm not productive at all. sigh.. din do much in the day.. did alot of stoning.. sian.. yar in the end i onli studied a little and did one essay.. the weather SUCKS! tsk.. sian.. but i went to church aniwae.. was contemplating whether i should take the bus to church or go to kovan macs to study.. my heart brought me to church aniwae.. yeap.. went to singpost to change out of my t-shirt and shorts.. met ethel and macs and walked to church together.. yea

i tink.. my moods got a hold of me.. i couldn't hide it very well ba.. sian.. yea but aniwae.. service was alright today.. except altar call.. God talked to me.. i'm reminded that God will forgive.. but i must.. i must learn to repent and never do the wrong things again.. difficult.. but i'm gonna succeed with God's strength! (: i'm sure i can! (: yeap.. and.. i cried again): sigh.. i tried to control la.. but sometimes.. it's quite difficult to lo): sian.. tears just came rolling down when pastor Gideon prayed for me.. ): ): argh.. so gang1 ga4.. haha.. yeah..

after service, i left with debra twinnie to study.. we went to macs to eat.. and study.. and i guess we were both so engrossed in work.. that we actualli forgot the time.. we were supposed to leave at 10.. but it was already 1020 when we took notice of the time.. haha.. in the end we left at 1030.. (: haha.. i had to change back to my home clothes.. haha.. yeap.. hey twinnie.. thanks for studying with me(: if we get into uni together, we can study together too! (: loves! (:

yeap.. things are still not getting ani better.. he still hasn't realli got over.. but i noe it takes time.. i'll give him the time.. and the situation at home.. i dunno.. i'm not talking.. she ain't talking to me either.. that's wat we call a "cold war" i guess.. well sometimes not talking to each other ain't anithing bad aniwae.. at least there'll b less friction.. yeap..

tired now.. but i've gotta finish up a chapter at least.. yea.. goodnights.. oh aniwae.. i took a picture of this little "handphone chains" that i bought for myself ethel elvin and ting an.. (: CUTE! (: and some other pics for u to enjoy(: haha

friends forever.. that's wat we will be(:
from the left: ethel, sweedy, ting an, elvin(:(: haha

a piggy clock geck showed me..

another clock! saw this on tv before??? familiar scene huh!!

me and rachel girl(: haha many pple say she looks like a smaller version of me! haha(:

alynn niecee(: haha cute darling! (:

GRRRR.. ROAR!! haha stupid ugly faces! (:

alynn and my sister(:

pretty juniors and ugly senior.. haha
melissa sweedy and priscilla(:

I needed Jesus @ | 12:16:00 AM

Friday, November 17, 2006

*.* step up.. must watch! *.*

humms.. another paper down.. haiz.. two more to go.. hmms.. two more BIO papers to go rather.. sian.. ): but well.. today's paper.. not that good): sigh.. although i did some of the questions before.. i couldn't remember the answers.. darn.. humms.. but heck la.. it's over le.. yeah.. after the paper i went to meet Debra twinnie(: haha.. we went to tamp to watch step up(: yeaps.. it was super GOOD! (: haha i so wana learn dancing.. well.. dunno if i can make it not.. pple around me have so much comments.. it's quite irritating sometimes.. oh well.. i shan't b affected by all these..

well.. things at home.. ain't getting any better at all.. darn.. i realli hate myself.. i hate myself for being wat i am.. i hate it when i always end up ruining things.. well.. i guess.. i'm born a destroyer.. i'm a destroyer of happiness.. destroyer of joy.. destroyer of relationships.. well.. hate me.. i'll feel better.. darn.. sinking into this depression again.. i wish i never existed in this world.. then.. people around me wouldn't have so much trouble.. i wished i was never born.. then people around me would never be hurt by me and my actions..

oh well.. i dunno.. these are thoughts that are running through my mind now.. walk out right now? where can i go.. no where.. sadly.. no where.. if i had.. i would have been gone a long time ago.. well you may say.. how irresponsible.. well.. it's me then.. i'm an irresponsible idiot who brings nothing but trouble.. well sorry to all those i've been a trouble to.. if u choose to distance.. go ahead.. i wun blame u at all.. i noe i'm a difficult person to be with.. i am.. yeah..

i should b off now.. goodnight..

I needed Jesus @ | 11:43:00 PM

Thursday, November 16, 2006

*.* just another week.. and it's FREEDOM! *.*

hai.. one more week.. this whole thing is gonna b OVER and i'm gonna b so FREE! (: Yeah! haha.. aniwae.. today's a realli realli bad day.. my eyes are now swollen.. darn.. ): yeah.. i told my mum last night that i was going out to study this morning.. and she said ok.. and she actually encouraged me to can.. and this morning, when i was at macs, she called me and ask me where i was.. i was like.. din i tell u i'm at macs.. darn.. so i told her that i'm studying there. then she asked me whether i was with a guy.. this is NOT the first time.. and she has gone over my limits.. i was so pissed.. i told her i wasn't and she said a whole lot of things about my friends.. i was so irritated! i can't stand it when she insults my friends! so i said to her.. if my friends are bad.. hers ain't ani better.. i noe i was rude.. but well.. said that in anger.. ): sigh..

and i hung up the phone on her.. yup.. guess that was the 导火线.. i refused to pick up her call after that.. and so she got my dad to come down to macs.. oh well.. as though it'll work.. i still refuse to pick up her call.. my dad said there's no guy around.. watever! and she wanted me to go home.. i refused.. i told my dad to go back cos i'm not leaving.. i've got a paper tomorrow.. but well.. he just kept pestering me to go home.. created such a scene at macs.. darn.. so i took my stuff and walked out of macs.. i din follow my dad.. i just walked straight.. to wherever my legs was carrying me.. yeah i walked and i walked.. i was walking home.. so many thoughts flashed through my mind.. should i leave home.. where should i go? darn..

sigh yeah.. and my dad caught hold of me in the end.. wa lao.. i was tinking.. this is super drama can.. haha.. yar my mum came in a cab opposite and came here and there it went.. another big scene for the pple at the bus stop.. sian.. in the end, took my dad's cab and went home.. had a big quarrel on the cab.. and in the end.. my mum suspected that elvin was my bf.. WAT THE HELL.. please la.. it's impossible one lo.. and.. she said until like as though i'm some loose woman.. darn.. i was realli getting SO ANGRY.. we were shouting away on the cab.. darn..

aniwae.. yea.. and so she talked to gor gor and stuff.. everything's settled i guess.. but i'm still not ready to talk to her yet.. not at all.. not after wat she's done to me.. i'm not saying that i'm not in the wrong at all.. yes i am at fault too.. but well.. i dunno la.. i'm a person who is very much dependent on feelings.. i dunno wat i'm talking about.. but aniwae.. this thing.. i'm not letting it go so soon.. i'll deal with it after my A's.. darn..

aniwae.. my eyes realli hurts now.. sigh.. and i've got chem tomolo.. i dunno how much i can practise.. darn! ): i lost my ear ring! ): sigh my favourite star ear ring):):): sigh.. i hope it's somewhere at home and not outside.. ):):): gtg now.. and gor gor asked me to blog about his attempt to BANKAI at toys r us.. haha.. yes.. it was a toy sword.. and he hit me with it! TSK! sister abuse! haha.. aniwae.. i'm off now.. bye bye..

I needed Jesus @ | 10:35:00 PM

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

*.* chem paper 2.. gone.. *.*

sigh.. i dunno leh.. although i filled up the paper today.. i dunno wat i was writing most of the time.. ): sigh.. i dunno i realli dunno.. my brain is like so saturated.. yet it's so empty.. i dunno wats wrong.. ): sian.. i did my best le la.. sigh..

and i heard.. some stupid idiotic people actualli complained that the maths paper was too easy.. sigh.. wat is this la.. paper easy also need to complain one ah.. argh.. AH!! ): i realli tink i'm gonna do so badly.. sigh.. the tot of getting the results next year.. assembling in the hall.. waiting for my turn to collect my results.. this realli freaks me out like no one's business.. ): sigh..

aniwae.. i went to vivo city with gor gor today(: had fun(: haha but as usual.. we kept disturbing each other! (: wahaha.. "where's gap.." "between two walls" haha and "tangs" "u're welcome" hahaha u dun get it it's ok.. lame.. lols.. (: yeap.. gor gor.. thanks for ur time(: thanks for the wonderful ice cream treat(: thanks for tolerating with my tantrums.. thanks for loving this horrible sister.. thanks(: thanks.. a million thanks.. i realli can't imagine..wat would have happened to me without this brother): sigh.. thanks gor gor

aniwae.. yea.. so much has been happening.. right now.. all i wana say to a friend is.. let go.. close this chapter ba.. open a new chapter of life.. let that be a more interesting and enjoyable life.. i'm sure it can be done.. jia you my friend.. and yes.. we'll be friends forever.. take care..

I needed Jesus @ | 12:57:00 AM

Monday, November 13, 2006

*.* PISSED *.*

WAH!! i'm damn irritated today.. i dunno why also.. probably it's the hormones in my body creating such a big mess in my mind.. DARN.. ahhhhhh!!! i feel like screaming out loud at this time.. damn! wat the hell!! sian.. i hate chem! i hate school! i hate exams! i hate everything! ): i hate getting involved in relationships.. ):):): why! wats all these crap that i'm put through.. i'm not saying that i'm the onli one that's going through all these la.. but wat the hell.. i'm just in a realli bad mood today.. i better stay clear of pple before i get angry with them for no rhyme of reason..

darn.. chem.. it's realli crazy la.. i din give up.. yeah.. but.. as much as i've tried to prepare myself.. i'm still stuck here.. not sure of so many things.. sigh.. all thanks to myself la.. no one else to blame but myself.. i realli can't wait till this stupid A levels is over.. i realli can't wait.. i'm like.. half the time.. in tears.. tears that dun flow out of my eyes... they just remain in me.. i can't actualli let my feelings out.. i can't possibly just break down in the middle of no where in the public.. i'll probably scare the passerbys.. at home.. i can't cry either.. i can't.. everything's bottled up in there..

and.. i brought some things on myself.. oh well.. things that i should have settled a long time ago.. i left it hanging.. and it got worse.. darn.. i dunno wat to do.. i dunno wat i can do.. i can onli stay away as much as i can.. i noe u understand wat i meant.. i noe everything takes time.. so let's both keep a distance yea? i hope everything will be ok.. i'm sorry..

Lord.. i need you so much.. i'm realli gonna break down very soon.. with so much thrown onto me.. ): sometimes people say things without thinking.. and they hurt u.. and later they try to be nice to u again.. i realli hate that u noe.. if u noe it'll hurt the person, then why even say things that are not neccessary? why say things that u assume and may not be true, onli to realise it REALLY isn't true.. and then u make up by being nice.. how fake! darn..

it's a crappy day.. u stupid hormones.. stop ur effects! ): sigh.. chem paper tomolo morning and i'm totalli not in the mood to sleep.. i noe the moment i lie down.. i'll be DAMN awake.. crap.. ahhhh!! it's CRAP~

I needed Jesus @ | 11:55:00 PM

Sunday, November 12, 2006

*.* dun wait.. it's a waste of time.. i'm sorry.. *.*

oh.. today.. (: a good day on the whole.. yeap(: i got to go to church again(: haha.. (: yeap.. and PJ came as well.. yeap.. service was good(: i feel all renewed as usual.. (: yeap.. and i hope my dear frens will one day accept Christ into their hearts, to experience the love of my God.. my almighty God.. my wonderful saviour.. yeap(:

then went for dinner with debra and pj after service.. haha.. ethel darling came along(: haha.. yeap.. then after dinner, me and debra went to macs to study.. some other church pple were there.. yeap.. haha.. so we bought a drink and settled down on our notes.. yeap.. (: haha.. erm debra darling doesn't actualli study outside.. and she sleeps at 10! so.. actualli i tink i wasted her time there.. sorry debra twinnie):

aniwae.. was pretty troubled regarding some stuff today.. humms.. and i tink.. i just hurt someone.. i'm sorry.. i'm sorry i even allowed this whole thing to drag so long.. i should have settled it earlier.. and i guess.. it wouldn't have hurt that much.. i'm so so sorry.. all i wana sae is.. dun waste ur time.. let go.. waiting is a waste of time.. i'm sorry.. i guess saying sorry ain't of much use.. watever it is.. i hope we'll still b friends.. take care..

I needed Jesus @ | 1:11:00 AM

Saturday, November 11, 2006

*.* dun look down on a christmas tree.. it noes how to take escalator! *.*

hahahaha!! my goodness.. today.. i saw this christmas tree taking the escalator.. there was this man holding the tree but from my view.. i couldn't see that man.. hahaha.. so it seemed as though the Christmas tree was taking the escalator on it's own.. WAHAHA.. it was hilarious.. hoho(: ya.. i burst out laughing on seeing that la.. hahaha(: aniwae.. yea.. wat was i doing there.. hah me and geck went there to buy stuff to eat cos we were so restless from studyin.. sigh.. and i've been a BIG distraction today.. sorry darling.. ): argh.. i promise this will nv happen again! ):

haha.. yea.. studying was okie.. yeap.. then went to geck's place again! (: hahaha.. oops.. and i've been to her place for like the past three years and onli got to know that she has a WORKING keyboard like TODAY! my gosh! i tot it was spoilt all along! ): argh.. if i knew i would always go there and play lo! argh!!! haha.. so i was playing some songs and she sang(: haha.. so nice and girl! after A's we're gonna compose a song kay(: i'm sure u can do it! (: u'll b the lyricist.. i'll b the musician.. lols(: how cool(:

yeap.. and playing the keyboard went on till bout 1020.. i din even realise that it was so late le.. tsk! haha ya so i left her place.. sorry for disturbing u for so long kay! ): argh.. hahaha.. yeah.. so home i went.. i'm so tired now.. so i tink i'll go and sleep like now! (: hahaha.. yeap.. so goodnight! (: God, bless everyone with good rest.. (: especially me!! ): i need my beauty sleep! haha(: yeap.. help me to study hard tomolo! (:

I needed Jesus @ | 12:32:00 AM

Thursday, November 09, 2006

*.* yeah! no more maths for life! (: *.*

erm.. i hope.. but i tink.. if i make it to uni.. still need to take ba.. sigh.. ahha.. aniwae.. yeah! the crazy week is over! no more 4 papers in 3 days! (: yeah! i survived on sleeping for two hours or three hours a day! (: yeap.. i realli had a difficult time this week.. i was so not confident before i took my papers.. but i thank God for answering my prayers.. helping me to feel better, more calm.. yeap.. and i thank God for being with me through all my days.. yeah.. praise God! (: and by God's grace.. haha.. i found the papers pretty ok so far.. just maths paper 1.. but maths paper 2 today was good i tink.. hopefully la.. B for maths? humms..

yeap.. aniwae.. i was so high after the paper.. tsk.. everytime not enough sleep, i end up getting high.. dunno why.. hoho yea.. i tink it's quite evident.. haha.. ellie sandy grace mummy and geck sure sensed the high-ness in me.. hohoho.. yeap.. i went to macs to find my dear geck who studied at macs without my presence.. poor thing.. i'm sure she'd been missing me.. haha..

yeah.. then we went for dinner.. had laksa(OOPS! i got ulcer yet... ... ) hahaha.. shhh.. dun let gor gor mummy and ah ma noe kay! hehehe.. yeap it was quite alright.. yeah.. then went to buy bubble tea(: haha.. and i went to deposit money(: haha.. i've finally been able to save money..and my bank account finally has 3 digit maintained in it.. after all the at most two digits and sometimes one digit times... hahaha.. yeap.. saving up for prom.. haha.. they'll b gone soon):): sigh.. but keep so much money also no use la.. haha.. yeap..

so we went to her place to watch superstar.. hahaha!! i ahd a good laugh.. my goodness.. there actualli exist such people.. they dun wan face le meh.. aiyoyo.. but i realli admire them for their courage.. i tink i'll nv dare to go take part in such stuff.. haha.. (: yeah.. then after watching tv, had a little dessert.. (: haha and we went to her room and we went SINGING away.. hohoho(: and doing crazy stuff! she almost raped me! WAHAHA(: hey my dear girl, i'm realli so glad for a fren like you.. when i'm hanging around with you, there isn't a single time that i'll b down.. thanks man! (: yeah.. u realli mean alot to me! (: (not in the lovers way ok) hahaha.. (: yap(: thanks for everything babe! (: and we'll go K-boxing soon!!!!!(:

finally.. before i go to SLEEP.. haha.. i am realli thankful to everyone who has been so supportive and showering me with care and concern at this period of time.. ethel, ting an, PJ, bryan, wanteng, diana, geck.. thanks for all those encouraging and silly msges that help to loosen me up a little(: thanks for the morning calls.. thanks for the chats over the phone.. yeah.. (: i'm realli very grateful for them(: gor gor.. thanks so much for u phone calls and prayers over the phone.. thanks(: loves! haha.. oh geck! thanks for ur home! wahaha.. had so much fun there(: haha today reversal of roles.. haha(: (u noe wat i mean) hahahaha and my real mama.. thank her for all the chicken essence(although i realli hate chicken essence..) one in the morning and one at night.. damn xiong can.. wonder if it's contributing to my ulcers.. ahaha.. but yeap.. thanks mama(:

yeah.. last but not least.. wana thank my dear Lord.. (: thanks for bringing these wonderful people into my life.. yeah.. thanks for being with me.. for granting me the peace when it was turmoil in me.. thanks for holding my hand when i was lost.. thank you Lord.. (:

I needed Jesus @ | 11:58:00 PM

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

*.* 4 papers down.. 5 more to go! *.*

humms.. well.. chem today.. hmm.. how should i say.. i went to school all freaked out.. i felt so freaking unprepared.. ): sigh.. but yeah.. i had to take the exam aniwae.. and wats worse.. i onli had 2+ hours of sleep.. so i was feeling a little.. i dunno how to describe.. but yeah.. weak? mayb.. but not realli.. but i was surprised i felt not a single tinge of tiredness during the paper.. i was so engrossed in the questions and writing.. yeah..

well the paper was pretty ok.. easier than i had expected.. and it isn't as draining as my prelim paper.. yeap.. i felt so relieved after that.. yeap.. and the things that i din manage to study.. din realli come out.. even if they did, it was in those either or questions so i chose the other to do.. hahaha.. (: thank you Lord(: haha.. yeap..

tomolo.. maths paper 2.. i'm quite scared.. tink i underestimated the difficulty of an A level maths paper.. sigh.. so i'm gonna work harder.. hope i can get a B.. yeah.. hoping lo.. a jump from an O to a B.. like quite impossible.. but well.. yeah.. i'll trust God.. i'll thank Him for watever grade He gives me.. yeap.. ok! time for me to go.. Lord.. be with me(: and i pray for everyone else taking the A levels exam.. grant them the strength and wisdom they need.. help them to remember watever they studied.. i hope things go well for everyone! (: praise be to God! (:

I needed Jesus @ | 11:30:00 PM

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

*.* sigh *.*

hai.. dunno how.. now i've got a whole load of chem to finish up on.. and i'm tired le): sigh.. the past few days have been spent on mugging.. sigh.. but still well.. bio.. turned out pretty ok.. at least i could do the structured questions.. yeap.. the essay part.. well i din memorise much for essay so that explains why.. total of 40 marks for essay.. half gone at least.. oh well

bioi paper started at 8 and ended at 10.. yeap.. went for food and went back to the library to mug.. sigh.. i actualli forgot to bring my most beloved set of compiled maths formulas.. sigh.. ):): argh.. and i was doing vectors.. yeap.. it was so bad.. sigh.. aniwae.. went into the exam hall at 2 again.. maths this time.. guess i was over-confident.. ): the paper was pretty tough for me.. ): sigh.. i say.. for me cos there were people who found it easy (like ron tan).. sigh.. i realli have no confidence in even getting the minimum grades that will allow me to enter uni.. dun even dare to tink about doing well.. sigh.. ):):

God.. i can onli turn to u for comfort now.. i dun tink anione realli noes how i'm feeling inside.. sigh.. i onli pray that u help me to continue to focus on my other papers.. yeap.. be with me Lord.. i need you..

I needed Jesus @ | 6:58:00 PM

Sunday, November 05, 2006

*.* never study.. ): *.*

humms.. woke up at 11 today.. humms.. yeah.. then had breakfast and swept the floor.. tried to do some bio lo.. yeah.. but din do much.. and before i knew.. i gotta leave the house for my grandparent's place.. went to celebrate my grandpa's birthday.. grandpa is 70 years old! wah.. haha.. i dunno how i can live for that long.. i'm already complaining so much about life now.. to think i have to live for another 60 odd years.. humms.. wats there to expect? humms..

yeah so i went to my grandparent's place.. did have fun la.. my niece and nephew were there(: but i din study lo.. sigh............ ): i'm so so dead): argh.. sians.. how how how.. i still haven finish chem.. i haven re-revise maths.. i haven finished bio either.. HOW??? ): die le die le): i wana die le): argh.. dunno.. and i'm already tired le.. ): hais.. AHHHHH!! ):): sian.. God bless me ba.. i dunno wat will happen to me.. wana share another song here..

"reach out and touch the Lord
as He goes by
you'll find He's not too busy
to hear your heart's cry
He's passing by this moment
your needs to supply
reach out and touch the Lord
as He goes by"

yeah.. need to be reminded that.. yeah.. God is waiting for me to reach out to Him.. yeah and i can trust taht He's there for me.. that i realli need to remind myself.. especially at this point in time.. sigh.. Lord.. keep reminding me.. my hope is in you.. no where else can i find hope.. yeah.. off i go to study.. goodnight..

I needed Jesus @ | 10:32:00 PM

Saturday, November 04, 2006

*.* sunday monday tuesday wednesday thurday friday SATURDAY! *.*

haha MUMMY!! ain't the title familiar?? hohoho(: aniwae.. humms.. today.. i was supposed to wake up at.. hehehe.. 930.. and i dragged.. and dragged and dragged.. until 12.. oops.. somehow.. i was just so tired.. dunno why also.. i hear the alarm.. got up and switched it off.. then slept.. told myself to get up by 1030.. i did.. i looked at the watch.. told myself i'm still tired.. so i went back to sleep.. 1130.. and finally 12.. so i jumped out of bed when it was 12.. hees.. yeap.. then i went downstairs to buy my brunch.. and bought lunch for my sister.. when i came home, my sis was waiting outside the house.. she din have the keys to the house.. yeap.. came home.. went online for a while.. then i started on my work..

at bout 2+, my sister left the house then i decided that i can make my way to church today(: hehehe.. yeap.. sounds so evil.. sigh.. but aniwae.. yeah.. i left my house for paya lebar and i studied there lo.. reached there at bout 4.. then studied till 5+ then gor gor and ethel came.. yeap.. so i stopped work.. and went down to the food court with the.. saw niu and nic.. then they ate together.. din feel like eating cos brunch was pretty filling.. yeap.. so i just tried to do some work.. yeap..

headed for Charis after that.. (: yeah.. i realli like going there.. i feel so happy when i see people there.. (: especially my dear ethel, gor gor, twinnie, and many many others.. (: i enjoy mixing around with the Charis family(: yeah.. service was good.. i was reminded about having hope in God.. even in times when things dun seem right.. wats the point of being in despair? yeah it's a WASTE of time and energy man! hahaha.. (: there was this song(hymm) that we sang.. the lyrics were somewhat like that..

"why are you in despair my soul
hope in God Hope in God
O Despair is a waste of time don't you know
put your hope in God"

yeah.. how true right.. so all u out there.. let's learn this and learn this well.. put ur hope in God.. yeah.. i realli love going to church.. everytime i go, i learn something new.. all my problems.. i can put behind my mind.. there's peace within me.. yeah.. and i get to feel God's presence.. yeah.. i just feel so refreshed everytime i go for service.. so renewed.. yeah.. thank you Lord for everything.. thank you for always being there when i needed you.. thank you..

yeap.. after service, i went off pretty quickly.. made use of watever time i had to study.. yeah.. did some bio at macs.. had macs for dinner.. and the nuggets sucked big time!): so dry and hard.. ): sigh.. but aniwae.. ohh btw i got an ulcer.. ): at the same area where the old disgusting blood clot ulcer grew.. eeeewwww.. haha.. yeap.. so i studied there.. then some church pple passed by and saw me.. they were gonna have dinner at the food court.. when they were leaving.. they came to macs to say bye.. haha.. so sweet.. lols yeah.. but some not very nice comments were passed.. oh well.. din take it to heart la.. so gor gor dun b affected too ba.. yeap.. and poor william.. i tink he wanted to study there too.. but din noe macs was gonna close soon.. haha.. yeah so the rest bid farewell after a while..

i left macs at bout 1035.. yeah.. took the bus home.. my mind is tired le.. sigh.. but i tink i've gotta continue ba.. yeah.. i can't give up.. jia you jia you!! hey all u out there.. JIA YOU JIA YOU!! (: i'm sure we can get through this!! (:(: GOGOGO! haha.. kay.. i'm going off soon.. will b back some day(: byee

I needed Jesus @ | 11:40:00 PM

*.* will i choose u who love me.. or u whom i love.. *.*

humms.. gor gor asked me this question.. struck me a little.. humms.. will i choose someone who loves me and does things for me.. but more of a friend to me.. or would i choose someone whom i love.. but probably doesn't do much for me.. and i add.. kinda takes me for granted.. i dunno.. i might be stuck between the two of them.. i wouldn't wana let go of someone whom i love.. but at the same time.. i wouldn't want to have a boyfriend that takes me for granted.. and i'm the one doing things all the time.. i dunno.. there's the need for me to feel loved as well ba.. and so.. that's when the other one who loves me and is willing to do things for me comes in.. humms.. wat a question.. of course it'll b best.. if the guy i like.. is a combi of both.. a guy i love.. willing to do things for me.. yeap.. that's too perfect le ba.. i dunno..

humms.. wat a time to b thinking about this.. sigh.. i hate exams.. i realli tink.. i'm gonna fall in the hands of A levels this time round.. i will b caught in this situation where.. my grades aren't that bad that i will have to re-take the exam.. i dunno.. it's this feeling.. it's haunting me like mad.. ): i'm going crazy le.. well.. i guess.. i'm just not cut out for constant mugging.. consistency.. discipline.. these are all NOT in me.. not a single bit.. i.. i like.. i dunno.. i just dun like conformity i guess.. i need space.. freedom.. my own choice.. i dun like to be told to study.. i dun like to.. i dunno.. basically i hate studying): and it got worse in JC.. i dunno wat i'm doing.. i dunno.. GOD! wat am i supposed to do? i'm already in this phase.. i have no where else to go.. i can onli move forward..

i still have to go on to take the exam.. but.. i realli dun wana end up with a cert that says C D E O or something worse.. CCC ain't ani better.. ): argh.. wat am i supposed to do? ): trust.. that's the onli thing i can do now.. Lord.. i want to and need to get into the university.. i dunno how i'm gonna do this.. but i'm just gonna trust u ok? Lord.. help me please.. this is the onli thing i ask for now.. uni.. that's where i'm heading for.. i'm realli desperate now.. sigh.. but if i'm not supposed to go there.. then i'll accept it.. pretty sadly i would b at first.. but.. yeah.. i'm sure i would get over it.. and life has to go on.. help me Lord.. i'm leaving all these into ur hands..

hai.. tired.. and i din study much today.. had maths consultation with mr hsi.. draining sia.. ): yea i hope things will b ok la.. i'm going to study le.. goodnight..

I needed Jesus @ | 12:19:00 AM

Friday, November 03, 2006

*.* wat a beginning.. *.*

sigh.. wat a way to start my A level paper.. darn.. i screwed up my GP paper.. sigh.. firstly.. the topics which i banged on were not seen aniwhere on the A4 sized paper.. i scanned through frantically and realli.. NONE of which i could confidently say.. i can do it.. sigh.. well.. so i picked the most common question which i tink is a totalli wrong choice.. "Does modern technology always improve the quality of people's lives?" wat the hell.. i tink like half the Singapore population did that question la.. and i was realli crapping my way through.. wat perople becoming more dependent on technology and stressed caused if technology fails us.. and stuff.. darn.. realli.. crapp.. and my flu din do me ani favour at all.. i was having such a bad headache during my compre paper..

compre.. it was not ani better la.. i tink i screwed up both my AQ and my summary.. and the whole paper in fact.. sighh.. in conclusion.. i'm totalli screwed up for GP ba.. well.. thanks to myself la.. watever it is.. i just hope i dun fail.. ): sigh.. and Lord.. please grant me the mood, the strength, the focus, the discipline to continue to study for the other subjects.. sigh.. i realli hope things go well.. ): i realli dun wana do too badly.. at least Bs can? ): i dunno how possible this is.. ): God bless me ba..

and aniwae.. my dear wanteng has accepted Christ! (: i'm so happy for her.. she accepted Christ online.. hahaha.. how cool right.. yeap.. mummy(: remember to talk to God kay? (: He's ur fren, ur father(: He loves you(: and ME TOO! (: i love u too! (: and i'm sure u love me too(: hohoho(: loves! (:

I needed Jesus @ | 12:19:00 AM

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

*.* F F F is that wat i will see on that cert? *.*

darn.. i'm so.. i dunno.. i'm totalli in the "i am dead" mood.. i'm like tearing even as i'm typing this.. shit.. have i given up on myself? i dun tink so.. i just feel that.. i'm realli gonna die.. no amount of effort put in at this time is gonna help at all.. as much as i would like to give up.. as much as this tired mind would like to give up.. my heart.. it is not allowing me to do so.. ): "there's still hope" "you can do it" "there's still time" "just do wat you can" "trust God".. alot more.. these are words from others.. i realli appreciate them.. but at this time.. realli.. it's not working on me.. not that i dun wana try.. i've.. if hope is the word.. lost hope.. i'm just studying to push the grades up as much as i can.. knowing that it wun do much of a help..

i dunno!!!! ): this is realli the worst period of my life.. i never felt so uneasy over an exam before.. i never felt so stressed out before.. i nv hated myself so much.. i nv disliked any phase of my life to such an extent.. i nv wanted to leave this world so much.. alright i'm such a coward.. i'm such an idiot.. i'm such a lousy person.. such minor things.. and i'm already down in this state.. well.. i've got nothing to say.. how terrible a person i am.. failure.. darn..

i can't exactly put into words how i'm feeling now.. but the main point is.. i dun tink i can make it through this exams.. those tears are so difficult to hold back.. (but i must say i'm pretty good at it) i've managed to keep them out of sight.. till i'm alone.. and i realised.. the sweedy now.. ain't the sweedy many pple used to know.. she's retreated.. she's less open.. she's less willing to share her life with pple.. she's no longer that smiley smiley girl.. well.. even if she smiles.. it's a mask most of the time.. she wans to b alone.. in a small small world.. she doesn't want others to see her in this state.. she doesn't wan anione to b affected by her.. she'd rather die.. she rather that.. yeah..

sigh.. HELP! wats all these.. i dunno.. i need a BREAK! ): i dunno how i'm gonna survive the next month.. the onli thing is.. i'll do wat i can ba.. there's no turning back.. i can onli move forward.. God.. i dunno wats with me.. i dunno wat i can do to help myself.. i realli need to feel ur presence every second.. that's the onli way i can feel that i'm safe in ur hands..

I AM BREAKING DOWN! ):

I needed Jesus @ | 12:20:00 AM